What I’ve Learned by Staying Flat — and Embracing My Authentic Self

Instead of undergoing breast reconstruction, I decided to stay flat. I’m not here to make other people more comfortable.

In the middle of 2020, I turned 50. I had so many plans that I had dreamed about for years, like a yearlong tour to celebrate myself. But then COVID-19 and chemo happened.

Throughout my journey with breast cancer, I’ve learned so much about authenticity and how I want to present myself to the world. As someone who decided to stay flat, I’m still navigating through the ways it affects my identity.

But I do know one important thing: I’m not here to make other people comfortable. I’m here to live fully, as myself.

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From diagnosis through the pandemic

At the end of 2019, I was in the best shape I’d been in for a long time. In some ways, this might have made a huge difference in the timing of my diagnosis. My son had gone off to college and my husband, Giovanni, and I saw that time as our kickstart to getting healthy, so we began eating healthy and exercising.

I lost weight in my breasts first, which made it easier to feel a lump. I was diagnosed with stage 2B invasive ductal carcinoma in January 2020. Soon after, I had a unilateral mastectomy.

Since I’m a planner, I created a spreadsheet for friends and family so they could “book” a time to go to chemotherapy with me, but then COVID-19 wrecked that plan. Although Giovanni was able to go with me a couple of times, I ended up doing 16 rounds of chemo by myself.

I was happy the cancer center was so strict because everyone there had a compromised immune system. But I felt so isolated, and not just at chemo. I’m very close with my family and I couldn’t see them. Even at home, Giovanni had to strip down in the garage and then take a shower after work before he could come in and hug me. It just made the whole process harder.

After 25 rounds of radiation, I opted for an oophorectomy since I was ER/PR positive. I met with breast reconstruction surgeons because I was contemplating DIEP flap surgery with the aim of breast reconstruction, but I was so tired of surgeries.

When they told me about potential failure with the flap and how that might involve at least two surgeries and possible revisions after that, I came to the realization that I would rather stay flat.

Finding my authentic self

When I first talked about staying flat and having a procedure for that, the plastic surgeon said they didn’t provide that. Fortunately, my oncology surgeon had it as an option. The reaction to my decision was night and day.

I felt so comforted and supported as the oncology surgeon talked about different types of incisions and scars. He spent a lot of time with me discussing the aesthetics and getting my input. I felt heard, and that was so important.

As I was going through this process, I did try prosthetics, but they didn’t feel real to me or authentic. I know everybody is different and should choose what’s best for them, but for me, they weren’t comfortable.

The other factor was how much downtime a reconstruction would take. I work in healthcare, doing fundraising for a children’s hospital, and it’s so good for my mental health.

I’d already taken off time for my treatment and I didn’t want to be on medical leave anymore. So, I eased back into work and really appreciated being able to return.

Not hiding or pretending

At first, I was worried about what the reaction would be with a flat chest. I felt so self-conscious that I tried to hide it with clothes that had lots of ruffles, or I wore scarves or a jacket. I was always covering up.

But I knew that to go forward with my healing, I had to let go of that worry. I couldn’t let it drive my choices and my sense of self. I’d find myself sitting in groups, slouching with my arms crossed in front of me, and I had to tell myself, “Uncross your arms, sit up straight, and relax.”

People do say things sometimes, which can make this challenging. There was a coworker who asked why I didn’t wear prosthetics because it would make other people more comfortable.

But honestly, I’m not here to make other people more comfortable. I’m not here to hide or to pretend that I didn’t just go through a life altering journey.

I have changed what I wear to some degree and I’m not trying to hide anymore, but I do have a little way to go. Fortunately, my family is so supportive.

Giovanni put a sticker on my mirror that reads, “Scars are sexy.” I’m happy to finally be at the point where I agree.